I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
