I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
