First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
