she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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