There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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