did you get engaged???
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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