my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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