Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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