My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
