shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
