Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
