is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
