I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize