I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
