Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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