I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize