I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
