I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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