she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
