so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
