dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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