I swear she didn't look like that last week.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
