Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
