pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize