corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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