Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
