i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
Randomize
