Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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