I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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