Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
