I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
