So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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