I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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