Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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