I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
