9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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