wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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