Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
