i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My liver just had a heart attack.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
