My underwear smells like fireworks.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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