She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
