trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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