Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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