This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
