Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
