I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
