so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
