i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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