I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
