But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
