i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
