who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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