I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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