The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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