my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
