You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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