I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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