Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
