He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
