you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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