Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
