Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
